So Be it - I'm staying

So I managed to get myself another contract here so I'll be staying a little longer. Actually I think it was never really a choice. I don't see myself going back right now.

When I was 18 and in my last year of Summer Drama Camp the theme of our final show was 'changes'. Most of the skits we did centered around events that cause change or how change affects people. The group was usually split into two sections 13+ and 12 and under. The majority of the 13+ group were at the older end of that scale. Many of us were going on to College or University in a year and therefore the theme of the skits we performed centered around that change.

At that time I knew I would not be leaving town to go to University. For me it wasn't an option financially. It had already been decided. A few of the others in the camp had plans to go off to take acting in Toronto. So naturally the skits they performed tried to imagine what life away from home would be like.

At 18 the idea intrigued me but only from a safe distance. I knew then that I wouldn't be facing that in the near future and therefore couldn't really imagine it and didn't really take it seriously. I remember the camp director, Rudy, telling me that when you leave home you find when you return that it has changed. I remember him saying that it 'plays tricks with you'. I can honestly admit that as much as I wanted to understand what he was saying I couldn't. The only reality of change I could wrap my head around at this point was that our drama group was coming to an end.

So here I sit on the other side of my two year contract and 12 years after that drama camp lesson and I finally understand it.

The strange part of this is that I don't think I can explain it. I think that only someone who has done what I have can have any comprehension of what it feels like.

It's the feeling of being rootless and orphaned. Your point of view shifts into that of an objective outsider. You no longer see yourself as part of that group but as someone who once was. Even if you go back you never lose that outside perspective. Things never look the same again.

I'm still on the fence as to whether or not it's a good thing. Sometimes this point of view makes you bitter and angry. Sometimes it makes you proud or lonely. But at the end of whatever emotion I'm feeling I'm always thankful. Thankful for all the things it gave me that no other place on earth could have given me.

"One day you will come back
With wrinkled hands and grey hair
And there you will stand on the spot
And you'll marvel how the place is still the same
Though you are somebody else now" ~ Shaye 'Beauty'

The conclusion of that drama camp year was really sad for me. I had to say good-bye to a group of people I had grown up with for several years. We had no idea where we were going or if we'd ever see one another again.

There was a point at which Rudy had wanted to incorporate into the show someone playing Gordon Lightfoot's Changes on guitar. No one in the group could play guitar so it was never used. I hadn't heard of the song before but after his mentioning this I looked it up.

Sit by my side come as close as the air
Sharin' a memory of grey
And wander in my words
And dream about the pictures that I play
Of changes

Green leaves of summer turn red in the fall
To brown and to yellow they fade
And then they have to die
Trapped within the circle time parade
Of changes

Moments of magic will glow in the night
All fears of the forest are gone
For when the morning breaks
They're swept away by golden drops of dawn
Of changes

Passions will part to a warm melody
As fires will sometimes turn cold
Like petals in the wind
We're puppets to the silver strings of souls
Of changes

Your tears will be trembling now we're somewhere else
One last cup of wine we will pour
I'll kiss you one more time
And leave you on the rolling river shore
Of changes

In the end of all this what I did take away was that I was on the cusp of a massive life change. I had no comprehension of what was coming. Only now, 12 years later, do I even begin to understand.